Daydreaming a fantasy consortium to buy the Boston Red Sox
The Boston Red Sox are, once again, mired in existential crisis.
Cautious pre-season hope has devolved into familiar despondency as The Olde Towne Team aches for identity.
Esteemed manager Alex Cora and five of his coaches were axed in April by Craig Breslow, the beleaguered chief baseball officer, and a raft of interim minor league coaches has affected no discernible improvement.
Boston is on pace to finish last for the seventh time in 15 years, while talk of a fifth different front office leader in that span is well underway.
Ultimately, the Red Sox now oscillate into last place every other year, and their head baseball guy gets the bullet every third year. Once among the most coveted fiefdoms in professional sports, Boston is now a place to be avoided for elite players and executives alike. Few want to work in such an unsustainable pressure cooker, which turns savants into scapegoats with alarming regularity.
Four years ago, I wrote about ‘the return of your father’s Red Sox,’ explaining how familiar errors from the cursed years – cutting costs, haemorrhaging stars, flip-flopping philosophies – had precipitated a miserable collapse following the 2018 World Series win. Since then, however, things have gotten worse. The Red Sox’ very sovereignty as a marquee franchise has been undermined, leaving a sorry shell where once a proud powerhouse presided.
These, indeed, are now the Silvercrest Red Sox – creating, like the Lidl incubator, a cheap imitation of a high-end product. Just as a Silvercrest vacuum looks like a Dyson, the contemporary Red Sox look like their feted forebears – except the handle is made of crappy plastic, the suction is underwhelming, and the motor burns out three times faster. Yes, these guys wear the famous crimson script across their chest. And sure, they play in America’s Most Beloved Ballpark. But in skill, soul and salt, they are a pale simulacrum of a vintage Boston ballclub.
Alas, this is what happens when you treat a fiercely independent entity as just another piece of a nondescript investment portfolio. This is what happens when ownership – Fenway Sports Group (FSG), headed by John Henry and Tom Werner – cares mainly for the bottom line. This is what happens when private equity infects a quaint pastime. The idiosyncratic becomes uniform. The divergent becomes rote. The heterogenous becomes homogenous.
And so, loyal Red Sox fans have rightly had enough. The diehards who initially enriched FSG with their relentless interest are sick of being treated like just another node in the network. Nowadays, chants of ‘sell the team’ are more common at Fenway than home wins, while planes trailing the same message have been spotted in the Kenmore skies. (1) (2) Once singularly focused saviours, FSG honchos are now roundly despised, creating a dull impasse that can only be solved by their departure.
There is no indication that Henry and Werner will even consider selling the Red Sox, though, and even if they did, their faceless financial friends – Arctos Partners or RedBird Capital – would probably have first refusal. The days of a caring, charismatic patriarch ruling Red Sox Nation are likely consigned to history, as hedge funds replace philanthropists at the beachhead, but it will be a happy day when John Henry’s name is no longer above the door on Jersey Street. A joyous day, indeed. The kind of day that warrants the smoking of a cigar. Such is FSG’s loathsome ransacking of a national institution.
As such, while acknowledging the resounding improbability of FSG leaving Beantown any time soon, I thought it would be fun to take a break from the maddening morass to daydream about the possibility, regardless. What would a fantasy takeover consortium even look like? Could a local group resuscitate the Red Sox and restore their meaning to a bereft region? Who would be in that collective, and how would it come together? These are my recurrent ravings.
Well, the Red Sox are currently valued at $5.25 billion by Forbes, creating a lofty target. (3) Knowing Henry, however, he would probably want more than that. And while there are local billionaires – the Johnson family, the Alfond family, the Hale family, Jim Davis, Alex Karp – who could buy the team outright, such a transfer of power is, well, kinda boring. At least for the purposes of creating entertaining content. (4)
To that end, I prefer to ponder a grassroots crowdfunder to repatriate the Red Sox. Recently, indeed, after watching one too many Brayan Bello meltdowns, I found myself opening a spreadsheet, the notoriously inaccurate celebritynetworth.com, Forbes, and a slew of Red Sox books from my shelf. And in one manic fit of rage, I embarked on a make-believe journey to construct my ideal consortium to wrestle control from FSG.
The result is wildly inexact and practically impossible, but I welcome you to retrace my steps, anyhow, if only for pure entertainment and copium amid the banal repression. What else is there to be hopeful about?
Seed funding round
We need to start somewhere. I could probably just about buy a game-used Mickey Gasper jersey from the team store, but my purchasing power is otherwise limited. A seed funding round – a.k.a., a grassroots crowdfunder – is thus unavoidable, necessitating the need to knock on doors, navy cap in hand, to get this thing off the ground.
Alumni
Naturally, my first call would be to David Ortiz, followed by Pedro Martínez. Though they both must toe the party line to a certain degree as salaried ‘special assistants,’ they are still close enough to the team to be suitably irate at the denigration of its heritage. Papi and Pedro were there for the glory years, and they could undoubtedly recruit iconic alumni to the cause.
|
Name |
Net worth (5) |
Consortium contribution (50% of net worth) |
|
Manny Ramirez |
$90,000,000 |
$45,000,000 |
|
Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm |
$80,000,000 |
$40,000,000 |
|
Pedro Martínez |
$70,000,000 |
$35,000,000 |
|
David Ortiz |
$55,000,000 |
$27,500,000 |
|
Jon Lester |
$50,000,000 |
$25,000,000 |
|
Dustin Pedroia |
$45,000,000 |
$22,500,000 |
|
Jonathan Papelbon |
$40,000,000 |
$20,000,000 |
|
Theo Epstein |
$30,000,000 |
$15,000,000 |
|
Jason Varitek |
$30,000,000 |
$15,000,000 |
|
Kevin Millar |
$14,000,000 |
$7,000,000 |
|
Trot Nixon |
$13,000,000 |
$6,500,000 |
|
Carlton Fisk |
$10,000,000 |
$5,000,000 |
|
Carl Yastrzemski |
$8,000,000 |
$4,000,000 |
|
Total |
|
$267,500,000 |
|
Left to find |
|
$4,982,500,000 |
Beloved local athletes
Few regions idolise their favourite sporting sons like New England. In Boston and beyond, mononymous heroes are worshipped as extensions of family. Getting a few of those celebrated stars to save the Red Sox should not be an issue.
|
Name |
Net worth (5) |
Consortium contribution (50% of net worth) |
|
Tom Brady |
$350,000,000 |
$175,000,000 |
|
Paul Levesque |
$250,000,000 |
$125,000,000 |
|
John Cena |
$80,000,000 |
$40,000,000 |
|
Larry Bird |
$75,000,000 |
$37,500,000 |
|
Bill Belichick |
$70,000,000 |
$35,000,000 |
|
Rob Gronkowski |
$45,000,000 |
$22,500,000 |
|
Doug Flutie |
$10,000,000 |
$5,000,000 |
|
Total |
|
$440,000,000 |
|
Consortium total |
|
$707,500,000 |
|
Left to find |
|
$4,542,500,000 |
Hollywood
Red Sox Nation teems with actors, actresses, animators, screenwriters, directors and late-night talk show hosts. Getting a few to invest in the Red Sox could catalyse a chain reaction – kinda like a multi-level marketing scheme, except the commission is duck boat parades on the Charles instead of ten cents on the dollar.
|
Name (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) |
Net worth (5) |
Consortium contribution (50% of net worth) |
|
Mark Wahlberg |
$400,000,000 |
$200,000,000 |
|
Seth MacFarlane |
$400,000,000 |
$200,000,000 |
|
$300,000,000 |
$150,000,000 |
|
|
Conan O’Brien |
$200,000,000 |
$100,000,000 |
|
Matt Damon |
$170,000,000 |
$85,000,000 |
|
Chris Evans |
$110,000,000 |
$55,000,000 |
|
John Krasinski |
$100,000,000 |
$50,000,000 |
|
Steve Carell |
$100,000,000 |
$50,000,000 |
|
Michael Schur |
$100,000,000 |
$50,000,000 |
|
Jennifer Garner |
$80,000,000 |
$40,000,000 |
|
Jimmy Fallon (as Ben Wrightman) |
$70,000,000 |
$35,000,000 |
|
Andrew Stanton |
$40,000,000 |
$20,000,000 |
|
Bobby Farrelly |
$40,000,000 |
$20,000,000 |
|
Peter Farrelly |
$40,000,000 |
$20,000,000 |
|
Dane Cook |
$35,000,000 |
$17,500,000 |
|
Denis Leary |
$30,000,000 |
$15,000,000 |
|
Amy Poehler |
$30,000,000 |
$15,000,000 |
|
Casey Affleck |
$30,000,000 |
$15,000,000 |
|
Donnie Wahlberg |
$25,000,000 |
$12,500,000 |
|
Bill Burr |
$25,000,000 |
$12,500,000 |
|
Seth Meyers |
$25,000,000 |
$12,500,000 |
|
Paul Giamatti (11) |
$25,000,000 |
$12,500,000 |
|
Mike O’Malley |
$15,000,000 |
$7,500,000 |
|
Michael Chiklis |
$14,000,000 |
$7,000,000 |
|
Sarah Silverman (12) |
$10,000,000 |
$5,000,000 |
|
BJ Novak |
$10,000,000 |
$5,000,000 |
|
Maria Menounos |
$9,000,000 |
$4,500,000 |
|
John Slattery |
$8,000,000 |
$4,000,000 |
|
Rob Corddry |
$6,000,000 |
$3,000,000 |
|
Joe Keery |
$4,000,000 |
$2,000,000 |
|
James Denton |
$4,000,000 |
$2,000,000 |
|
Rob Mariano |
$2,000,000 |
$1,000,000 |
|
Total |
|
$1,228,500,000 |
|
Consortium total |
|
$1,936,000,000 |
|
Left to find |
|
$3,314,000,000 |
Media
“All literary men are Red Sox fans,” novelist John Cheever once said. Accordingly, The Olde Towne Team is beloved by a horde of wordsmiths and media barons, poets and linguists. Many would never forego their journalistic integrity to buy the team, but a few certainly would, and we must exhaust every option, so…
|
Name |
Net worth (5) |
Consortium contribution (50% of net worth) |
|
Stephen King |
$500,000,000 |
$250,000,000 |
|
Bill Simmons |
$100,000,000 |
$50,000,000 |
|
Jared Carrabis |
$79,000,000 * * Of all the fabricated net worth figures used, this is undoubtedly the most egregious, but Jared often makes fun of the number himself, so I’m running with it. Every imaginary dollar helps, I guess. (13) |
$39,500,000 |
|
Ryen Russillo |
$3,000,000 |
$1,500,000 |
|
Total |
|
$341,000,000 |
|
Consortium total |
|
$2,277,000,000 |
|
Left to find |
|
$2,973,000,000 |
Musicians
The Red Sox are more musically endowed than any other baseball team – perhaps with the exception of the Chicago Cubs. From Dirty Water to Sweet Caroline via Tessie, we need the money. Beggars can’t be choosers. Let me see those royalty checks.
|
Name |
Net worth (5) |
Consortium contribution (50% of net worth) |
|
Neil Diamond |
$300,000,000 |
$150,000,000 |
|
Kenny Chesney (14) |
$180,000,000 |
$90,000,000 |
|
Lil Wayne (15) |
$170,000,000 |
$85,000,000 |
|
James Taylor |
$80,000,000 |
$40,000,000 |
|
Joey McIntyre (15) |
$25,000,000 |
$12,500,000 |
|
Jack Harlow |
$15,000,000 |
$7,500,000 |
|
Ken Casey |
$600,000 |
$300,000 |
|
Total |
|
$385,300,000 |
|
Consortium total |
|
$2,662,300,000 |
|
Left to find |
|
$2,587,700,000 |
Wildcard
We still have a considerable chasm to bridge here, hence one last frantic ring-around to empty the Rolodex.
|
Name |
Net worth (5) |
Consortium contribution (50% of net worth) |
|
Steph Curry (16) |
$300,000,000 |
$150,000,000 |
|
Christie Brinkley (17) |
$100,000,000 |
$50,000,000 |
|
Dennis Drinkwater (18) |
$10,000,000 |
$5,000,000 |
|
Total |
|
$205,000,000 |
|
Consortium total |
|
$2,867,300,000 |
|
Left to find |
|
$2,382,700,000 |
Dark money round
Short of rattling buckets on the Mass Turnpike, we must acknowledge that serious money needs to be called in eventually. With over $2.3 billion left to find, I considered including Connecticut-born Dana White, the polarising UFC maven with a $500 million net worth; former Newton resident Joe Rogan, the divisive podcaster worth $250 million; noted anti-FSG rabble-rouser Dave Portnoy, the antagonising Barstool Sports czar hoarding $250 million; former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney (net worth: $300 million); and former Massachusetts senator John Kerry ($250 million). (5)
For completeness, I also retraced old ground and considered those who tried to buy the Red Sox last time they hit the market – way back in 2001, when Henry and Werner won the bidding with a little chicanery from Bud Selig. Jeremy Jacobs, owner of the Boston Bruins, was involved in that bygone sweepstake, as were real estate mogul Steve Karp ($1.2 billion); skiing magnate Les Otten ($1 billion); and noted Dodgers destroyer Frank McCourt ($1.2 billion). (5) (19)
Ultimately, however, I took a ‘better the billionaire you know’ approach, tapping into the $14 billion net worth of Robert Kraft, the Brookline-born owner of the New England Patriots and New England Revolution. Some say there is no such thing as a ‘good’ billionaire, but a self-made entrepreneur who led his hometown team to 11 Super Bowls, winning six, challenges that notion. Sure, Kraft could buy the Sox outright, alone, if he so desired, but I consider the octogenarian a silent, philanthropic sugar daddy in my phantom consortium, topping-up whatever the homegrown syndicate needs to pry the Sox from Henry’s grasp.
|
Name |
Net worth (5) |
Consortium contribution |
|
Robert Kraft |
$14,000,000,000 |
Whatever the good guys need to depose John Henry. |
The new regime
Once my mythical transaction is ratified, the next order of business will be implementing a new regime. With Kraft in the shadows as a backseat financier, Ben Affleck will be the officially designated control person – or ‘principal owner,’ in MLB parlance. Think of it as a Jeter-Marlins type deal.
Naturally, Affleck will install Matt Damon, his inextricable friend, as Red Sox CEO, with Theo Epstein handed complete autonomy over baseball operations and Jason Varitek returning to the dugout as manager.
Absolutely none of this will ever happen, let me reiterate, and I have likely wasted several hours of my life on a ridiculous project of no ultimate value. It was fun, though, and it offered an escape from the hopeless reality enveloping a ruined fossil.
If any of the names included in this hallucinogenic exercise do, in fact, succeed John Henry as the chief controller of the Boston Red Sox, I will be a very happy man. I will also be very old, but you must cling to something, right? This is all I can muster.
Sources
1. Coe, Zach. Yahoo! Sports. [Online] May 4, 2026. https://sports.yahoo.com/articles/boston-red-sox-owner-breaks-201145466.html.
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